I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
