hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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