Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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