he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize