Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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