Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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