This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
