i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize