i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
