my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize