Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
