If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
