OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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