my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
