His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You pole danced in your parka.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
