she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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