I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Randomize
