why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
