I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
