my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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