if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
