So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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