Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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