My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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