You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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