We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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