I will die if light touches me.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
