I wish they made helmets for livers.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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