hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
