win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
