you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I believe in your delicious
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
