I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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