Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
