Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
