im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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