Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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