Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
