woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
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