I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize