In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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