Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
