This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
