Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
