Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
