So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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