Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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