were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize