Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
