i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
