If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
