I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I love having hate sex.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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