Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
love makes seman taste better
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
