This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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