Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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