yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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