1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
