Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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