Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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