my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize